God, I've tried in vain to release the pain I feel from my past

by Alistair
(Texas, USA)

God, I've tried in vain to release the pain I feel from my past and I need your help and guidance. I've made terrible mistakes, ones that perpetuate my anger, fear, resentment and - yes - pain. You know this heart pain rips through my heart. I feel like I will never escape my experiences. I hurt those around me that seem to care for me, even if its in their own unfathomable ways. Even people who do bad things sometimes mean well, in their own ways.

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Please help me accept rejection. Please help me understand that, when I lash out in what seems irrational anger, it may be Your guidance saving me from something even worse than all the experiences that have shaped me. After what I've been through I should know that but I often don't.

I have made so many mistakes, I feel like a fool for not learning enough from them to stop making them. I struggle with the repetition of damaging acts and thoughts.

I thank you for every vestige of hope and strength I have. Thank you for every sign that I've been forgiven by You and by others. I need you more every day, as I come to grips with my pain. Only by passing through this pain and leaving it behind can I find true happiness in my future. I am so scared. Please teach me to hold onto You and not others that I reach for in desperation.

I need focus. I need peace so badly. I need love so desperately. I feel as if I'm being punished in this life with abandonment and betrayal for something I don't know I did in a past life. I am terrified that I will always be alone, or I'm in the process of Dying of Self. You know that, for me, it's not enough to love You. You know that I feel there's irrevocably wrong in me. I feel like I've been discarded and lost forever. I'm so profoundly lost. I find myself begging for love and friendship from others, even if they don't want to give me those things.

Sometimes I am so lonely I try to hold on to what I think is momentary hope where there really is none. Please let me know I'm going in the right direction and that, even if I fail, You won't abandon me. Bless me with people in my life who will understand and won't discard me if I fail. Please bring people to me that I can trust. Please make me the kind of person that others love, want, need and cherish. Please don't let me die alone and in this pain.

In the name of Jesus, Amen



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