Heartache in New Mexico for the truth
(Albuqerque, New Mexico, United States)
If there is a god I would like to ask him a few questions but sometimes we must rely on faith. For the longest time I have suffered from depression and personal unrest but it seemed that it always worked out. As of late, I was laid off from my job and I have begun to agressivley pursued to complete my bachelors degree in hopes of becoming financially more stable and achieve the goals and dreams that I believe I was meant to complete. Along the way, I have been through dreadful financial catastophes, relationships and experiences that challenged my view of whether I should continue or terminate my life. I self medicated by drinking, drug abuse and all manner of actions to dull the ache within. At one point I acted upon my sorrow and sought to end my life. I was unsuccessful. That was over ten years ago. Since then, I have questioned my existence every day.
It came to my attention to rely on someone who I had not ever considered a viable option. I believe love is the most powerful force in heaven and earth below. So, one night I spoke to the ceiling above and asked:
"God, if you are up there and listening then I ask you to send me someone that I can say I love you and be answered by the same words with the same conviction. If you grant me this I will do whatever you wish as you have planned from the day I was born."
I had a dream the same night which included myself and god. He said he would fulfill my request but that he would take her away from me at some point. Before she would return her to me, I would endure the harshest blows from life that I could endure and it would not be pleasent and easy in any. When the time was right and I had fulfilled all that he wished me to complete then he would return her to me as a testament to his promise to fulfill my request.
Soon someone did come into my life and she returned my words of I love you back to me in earnest. She was unsure of her marriage and there came a time that
she returned to her husband in an attempt to heal the wounds of adultry. It was quite painful and at the worst time in my life as I was mentally and physically exhausted by the painful events that had occured within the past year.
I have been told that all prayers asked in earnest will be answered. When I prayed I did so in earnest and with conviction. I would rather die than live in such a state of mental and physical exhaustion. I pray daily now. I pray daily that I will be given the strength to continue as he has seen fit. Each time I have asked if she is the one and that my path is clear I am overwhelmed with the emotion of validation. It is painful to believe that he would answer my prayer and in the process inflict so much pain to realize its fulfillment. But to believe there are times that one must face incredible angst in order to appreciate and understand what we have been given.
I wonder how it can be fulfilled if she has returned to her husband in an attempt to reconcile. Or why would he send me someone who was in the crossroads of uncertainty in the first place. I was also shown what I would accomplish to an extent and I fear that I will not be able to complete the request. My quest to find solace, purpose, and love will be undone.
As I stated above if there is a god I would like to ask him a few questions but sometimes we must rely on faith. I do not understand how this is supposed to end or if it is just my mind that torments my thoughts - Feeding me what I wish to happen and that it is not god's will. Either way I have read that we must pray in the present. He has fulfilled my request and now I must fulfill his if I am to realize if by faith and hope are prayers may be answered. I ask for prayers of strentgh and affirmation that in our quest for achieving that which our heart most desires that there is a force, a commpassionate loving god that hears our prayers and seeks to fulfill them.