Help me, please? I really need you right now.
(Pondicherry, Pondicherry, India)
I can’t even complain to you anymore because I feel like I’m repeating myself- no, I am repeating myself, and I feel like there’s nothing more to say, so I’m sorry if I don’t talk to you that much as before. I just feel like nothing has gotten better. I thought you said everything would be okay, but it’s not, and I’m so confused.
And I don’t think it’s very healthy for me to be contemplating suicide on a regular basis now.
I always told myself that I would never do that, I would never give up, but I guess I’m a hypocrite now.
I really don’t know what to do anymore, and Im 99.99% sure that I am lost. I don’t understand. Why would this happen to me, God. U told me that you wouldn’t let me fall because I worked so hard for her to love me.
It worked, but why did it end up like this? I want to believe that this was triggered by something, and I believe it’s all of my fault. It is. Now, I’m a fool. I think you’re trying to tell me something, but I just can’t seem to understand what you’re trying to say. I guess I’m just a stupid boyl. I’m a silly boy. Why did I think that she cared about me? Why did I think, and why do I still think sometimes that she’s the one? I don’t like feeling like this anymore, and I feel so broken now, and the next thing to happen to me is very bad. I want
to go to Heaven, God, but I’m scared of killing myself. I don’t know where my hope has gone now. I don’t think there’s much of it left.
I just wish you would answer my questions. That’d be nice.
I just want to know, Why me, God, why me? Are you testing me? Because it’s working. I don’t know how far I can go from here. My love for her is bittersweet, and it is like poison in my heart.
Why can’t I be loved? Why can’t I be good enough? I thought if I started caring about what I looked like, how popular I was, who knew me, who I knew, my grades, and my personality, I thought that everything would be different. It’s not. I think I am more miserable than ever before, and I don’t know why. I wish I was somewhere sunny, like the beach, and I wish I could forget about my life here, and just relax and contemplate about my life.
I don’t know what will happen over the next three years, but maybe there’s a reason why I can’t let go. I wonder if it’s fate for her and I. Everything just seems so planned out, just like you planned it to happen God.
I’ll always love her, and I still do now. It hurts to see her, and I try to look away, but it hurts so, so, so, so bad.
Please, make it stop.
Please, God, put me out of my misery.
Give me a sign that everything will be okay.
I love you.