Is the survival of my marriage what God wants?
I submitted a prayer about 2 years ago around my marriage coming to an end. I received the divorce papers 2 years ago and it has been an uphill battle since. I came to the realization of a lot of lessons that I was supposed to learn from this whole thing. I had lost sight of who was always supposed to come first even before my family - GOD. I put them up on the pedestal, above everything else. I listened to TD Jakes' sermon yesterday morning, talking about Naomi's life and what she lost. She tried to control the destiny of her family until she lost the fight. I tried to control by wanting us to function perfectly and only wanted good things to happen to my family. I wanted to correct what I felt had the potential of damaging what God gave us. I did not see that it wasn't only my husband's infidelity and my mom in law's meddling that was destroying my family but also what kept operating in my mind. I didn't genuinely hand over my marriage to God until it was over.
I have been praying for the restoration of my husband and our children's relationship for a long time, as they suffer more when we continuously fight each other. We reached an agreement end of last year already and signed the settlement document. I have not heard from my attorney since then. Only my husband telling me that the decree was granted over 6 months ago. I checked with Home Affairs to discover that I'm still labelled married and I said I would follow up with my attorney but haven't. My husband and I just recently started talking in a civil manner again about the kids. He planned something for the kids and asked to involve me in those plans. That came as a red flag to me. I thought I was over him but for some reason my heart skipped a beat. I know it could just be out of courtesy, maybe he's not intending to rebuild our home. But it made me ask myself "Would I fight against the reunion just to save myself the hurt again? What if it is God's plan? Am I willing to stand against God on this?" I also asked what if the marriage is really resolved? Would I agree to start this whole thing with him again? How will I be sure that he only has good intentions towards me? Why do I feel guilty about desiring restoration?
Please pray for God's plan to reveal itself to me pertaining my family. I need you Jesus!
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